Some years ago, I began writing a crazy sci-fi story…. Then I got sidetracked, and it has sat patiently in the oubliette that is the storage facility in my laptop, Evesham. It hasn’t quite rotted away yet. Recently, encouraged by the success and popularity of crazy sci-fi written by a fellow blogger and Trifectan, I decided to dig it out of the Vault of Doom and serialize it on my blog. So here we are….
Preface: I am not going to start by saying that this happened ‘a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away’ – mainly because that’s already been done (this always happens to me!), but also because for the most part it’s not actually true. It was, I suppose, a long time ago, but as we know from what Mr Einstein has told us, time is relative… So although it may seem a long time from my perspective, you can bet the Lartans are still worrying about it. You will no doubt see it differently too, as I’m sure you are a perceptive, scientifically-minded sort of person. I, alas, am just a humble writer who has been badgered into recording this history.
Any inaccuracies or liberties taken are a result of
A) Not enough available information
B) Too much available information
C) Me getting bored with available information and deciding to do something more fun.
As to it being far, far away – well, I’ll leave you to be the judge of that….
1- The Plan
The Lartans, as far as I can make out, are an odd bunch. They live only 8,000,000,000,000,000,000,001 light years away from Earth – a mere stroll down the park for Highly Advanced Beings – and yet they still haven’t dropped in to say hello. Not officially, anyway. There was a time, though, when they were planning to visit. But it wasn’t exactly going to be a matter of pleasant greetings.
For centuries, their technological advancement (not to mention their greed) had enabled them to conquer other worlds as easily as a tortoise conquers a lettuce leaf, by using an insidiously ingenious plan of attack. (I am quoting from the official records here – if you want to know what ‘insidiously ingenious’ means, look it up in the Dictionary. I personally think that in this instance, it means ‘They were too clever for us and we feel ashamed so we’re going to pretend it wasn’t our fault because that makes us feel better about the whole business’, but that’s just my opinion.) In short, the Lartans had developed a super-virus which, when introduced into organic higher life forms, re-wires the synapses of their brains. I.e., you end up with a lot of very confused aliens. The only problem with this virus was that it had to be introduced directly, being-to-being. The Lartan scientists had tried everything, but the only way they could keep the virus active was to infect their own invasion forces with it and deliver it straight into the population. The good news was that the Lartans, being (inside, at least) so very different from everything else, were resistant to the virus. So they could wander round, casually taking over the planet, while the poor muddled natives were just trying to remember who they were (themselves, I mean, not the Lartans. This is more complicated than I thought.) and what they were supposed to be doing.
This plan was officially recognized as the second-greatest takeover plan in all of time and space. The greatest takeover plan in all of time and space was, and still is, the ridiculously successful Feline Movement, but we will get to that later. The second-greatest had been going like clockwork for centuries, only better than clockwork, as it never needed winding up. And then one day the Lartans decided to try it on Earth. If everything had gone according to their plans, I don’t suppose any of us would be here now. I don’t believe humans are any cleverer than the other aliens conquered so effortlessly by the Lartans. And anyway, how can you fight against the re-wiring of your own brain? No, we would have been conquered, I know it. But fortunately for us, something went wrong. Very wrong. Wrong with a wrongness that almost made the universe explode, or at least twitch. So wrong that halfway through the mission, the Lartans recalled the entire Virus Fleet….
To be continued….